Filling the Hole
by MacaroniWithExtraCheese
Summary: Gaara develops a crush on Kakashi. YAOI (KakashixGaara) CH5 A week after Kakashi kissed the Kazekage he finds himself doubtful with some hefty second thoughts.
1. Filling the Hole

_Sooo I'm stressed out because I'm going for a job interview tomorrow, and I start typing up a oneshot. It kinda extended from a 500 word to a 5000 word. Like I said; STRESSED. So this is a very poorly written, typo'd, badly flowing fanfic, but I liked the idea. Because I like the pairing XD_

_Here's me hoping someone gets a kick out of this. My muse certainly did._

_Mac&Cheese_

* * *

The need to belong had been a large and dominating part of his life for a very long time.

For as long as he could remember Gaara had felt the roaring loneliness inside of him, consuming him like a tsunami rushing across the landscape. Decimating everything in its path as it took life for life without care of consent. A hunger so deep, it had driven him to murder.

Today he knew better. Thanks to Naruto he had been awakened from his blood rage, something he had never thought possible at one point. His sister and brother in turn showed him what it meant to be a family. He still struggles to find common ground with them. But everyday and every week that passes he finds himself a little closer to finding a bond.

He's surprised to find that simply learning about their likes and dislikes is part of the fun.

And for a while he was content, feeling happier than he'd ever had.

Then there was a hole.

It was the best way to describe it. There wasn't a more poetic or perfect way to state it. Just that. A hole had formed in his chest.

He'd watched a couple walk down the street, hand in hand smiling at one another with such love and devotion that he had pasued mid stride. They were happy, laughing and so in love. And in a flash he'd felt a pang shoot through his heart. It was faint and small and after they were long gone, it felt like there was a small emptiness. A hole. For a long time Gaara could not understand why.

He'd tried to fill it. Talking with his siblings, seeking out Baki or even walking around the streets. Just enjoying the presence of the people. But it wouldn't go away. It would lessen for a few moments, particularity when Temari or Kankuro hugged him or showed they cared, but never for long. Something was missing. Something he couldn't identify.

But the answer would come when he and his siblings visited the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

* * *

The sand dissipated and as it did the Leaf village came into view. People were staring at them, but Gaara didn't really mind it.

"Son of a bitch," Kankuro muttered from behind him, "I hate travelling like this,"

"You were in a hurry," Gaara said turning to look at his brother. He was bent over wiping at his eyes and mouth. Probably to get the sand out. Gaara had warned him to close them before he'd set off.

"Not _that _much," he said before straightening, his eyes slightly red from aggravation.

"Stop whining," Temari said coughing lightly, "He just spared us a full day of running, so be grateful,"

"I would be, if I could get the sand out of my mouth,"

"If you shut that trap e of yours once every few minutes, then you wouldn't be having this problem right now!"

"Gaara!"

His siblings were blissfully interrupted by his long time friend Naruto. The boy came running, smiling so brightly and looking so happy Gaara had to wonder at the cause of such elation. Behind him Sakura and Sasuke were following at a much slower pace.

Naruto stopped a few feet away, panting, "What-are-you" he took a deep breath, "Doing here?"

"Temari wished to visit Shikamaru," he said ignoring the groan of embarrassment from his sister, "Kankuro had a few days off and they invited me to join them," he looked down for a moment trying to recall a word, "I think they called it a 'family outing,'"

Naruto laughed, "That's great Gaara! You need to get out more,"

Gaara blinked but soon smiled. His friend was just teasing.

"So," a deep voice hummed, "The sand siblings are here. Escaping a few duties for a couple of days?"

He hadn't recognized the voice at first but when he turned he'd felt his breath leave his body in rush. White hair, a masked face and a dark warm eye watched him intently. Of course he'd met him before, he remembered him suddenly so clearly. But his blood rage had stopped good emotions from getting through for a long time, but right now they were slamming against his walls in an all out siege. And he could only stare in the face of such overwhelming feelings.

He was smiling, his eye crinkling at the corner, and it was all Gaara could do not the reach out and touch that beautiful face.

"Yeah," Kankuro said stretching languidly, breaking his stupor somewhat "It's tiresome being the best in the village, Kakashi"

"The best?" Temari said with a smirk, "You've got a big head,"

He grinned "I know,"

That prompted a slap from Temari, which resulted in an argument. Kakashi laughed and Gaara felt his heart skip a beat. His laugh was beautiful. That stunning gaze turned down to look at him, He smiled and said;

"Good to see you Gaara,"

And just like that the hole was filled, leaving only a warm hum in its wake that encased his entire being. In the wake of such a beautiful gaze and such a lovely feeling Gaara smiled back tentatively.

The few days flew by. Gaara enjoyed every moment he had with Kakashi, which weren't many. The man was illusive and never sought him out. But he took what he could get eagerly.

He learned all he could about him from Naruto who was enthusiastic to talk about his sensei. And everything he learned only made the warmth grow stronger and soon he couldn't even remember what it felt like to have a hole in his chest.

Then they had to leave. Part of him wanted to post pone. Think up a good enough excuse and he might just be able to spend another few minutes with Kakashi. But he knew that would be foolish, and he didn't want his siblings to know what he was feeling just yet.

The road back to Suno stretched out beyond the gate. Kakashi came to stand just behind Naruto who was telling them to visit again. Gaara nodded at his friend, forcing his eyes from straying too far.

Just as they were about to turn and leave a soft voice called;

"Come again soon,"

He turned to look at Kakashi who was smiling and waving. Gaara nodded faintly and turned to leave. Every nerve in his body humming with joy.

Gaara of the desert, murderer and resident monster, had fallen in love.

The irony was not lost on him.

For so long he had been without love, for so long he had felt only hate and darkness, and now he'd fell for someone who would never love him back. No man would ever look at him the way he wished. Not only because of his past but because of his demeanor. Kankuro loved to tease him about his 'lack of personalty' it had never bothered him, Until now. But this didn't deter his new interest in the slightest. Just being with Kakashi was enough.

And he could recall every moment Kakashi had ever spent with him.

The first time he'd smiled at him.

The first time he'd sought him out. It had been to find Naruto, but Kakashi had approached him, not the other way around.

Often he would lie in his bed and recall it all with perfect clarity. The barking laughter of Shukaku a mere white noise to the fulfillment he got when simply remembering Kakashi.

But his second visit to the Leaf Village would go slightly different.

The Hokage had sent for them because they needed the specific talents of the Sand Village for a mission. Sakura had joined them, as had Naruto, Sasuke and of course Kakashi.

Gaara had had trouble keeping his eyes on the road.

It was more the treacherous area rather than the actual mission that was the problem. High winds and crumbling walkways on high cliffs made it almost impossible to reach their target. But Gaara's sand and Temari's Wind abilities made short work of the environmental concerns.

The band of vagabonds were eliminated easy enough. It was as they were starting back down the mountain when disaster struck.

The high winds whistled past them. Temari kept her fan open, keeping most of the violent winds at bay. Currently the party were making their way down a particularly dangerous area. The small and crumbling pathway was narrow and made little room for error. A sheer drop on their right and high cliff on their left meant this was the only way to get down.

"Watch your step!" Kankuro called, he was third in line, "I think I just heard some of this shit crack under my foot,"

"Yeah," Naruto said behind him, "Me too,"

"Maybe we should-" Sakura was cut short when the pathway suddenly crumbled beneath her. It fell away like soft mud and her piercing scream clapped in the canyons.

Temari, who was behind Sakura reacted instantly. She made a grab for the girl, but missed by a few inches. The wind was too volatile and as she jumped on her fan to avoid plummeting to her death, she was flung higher up, now unable to reach their falling teammate.

Kankuro used his thin puppet strings to grab a hold of a small landing and grabbed Sasuke, preventing another one from plummeting to their deaths.

All this happened in an instant, and as Sakura fell, Gaara watched in terror as Naruto dived after her. Idiot! His head scolded before the voice of Shukaku pushed forwards. _Let them die._ It was the fear, the sheer terror of losing a friend that was making him react in such a way. His sand shifted, creating a large hand which shot out to grab the falling duo.

His eyes burned, flickering between black and aqua, the terror was keeping him from holding control over the demon. The large hand encircled the two and he pulled them up, Sakura screaming her head off.

_Crush them_

His blood ran cold.

_Crush them now!_

He swiped his hand and slammed them into the path, the sand dissipating a moment later. His hands were shaking and he could feel nasea push up from his stomach but he held it down. Temari, finally gaining control of the wind shot down and landed next to her younger brother.

"Gaara," she said, her breath panting, "Are you alright?"

He could hear the fear in her voice, but it was being overridden by worry and concern. It was enough to calm his raging blood. Gaara nodded and looked up at her, surprised to see her glaring over his shoulder. Curious he looked behind him to see Kakashi standing perfectly still. His hand in his Kunai pocket.

He smiled at him. And Gaara's heart simply melted. Nothing else mattered at that moment.

Sakura had hurt her leg during the fall. Kankuro offered to carry her, strapping his puppet on his front for the time being. Kakashi had quickly told him not to but Kankuro had shrugged and said; "Puppet masters have to get used to carrying heavy stuff," and with that they were off again.

The rest of the journey was silent. Each lost to their own thoughts. Gaara in particulary could not understand Temari's sudden disdain for Kakashi. But he didn't probe further. It was with some relief that they finally reached the Leaf Village.

Kakashi insisted on taking Sakura from Kankuro who was dead tired by then. Temari tended to her brother ignoring the Jounin as he carried the younger girl to the hospital. Gaara watched with some interest as Temari took out some frustration of Kankuro who seemed to be as confused as he was.

Once Sakura was settled Naruto asked him to join him to go and 'cheer her up'. Honestly Gaara hadn't wanted to go, still feeling a little rattled by the canyon incident. But Naruto insisted and when he insisted it was next to impossible to refuse.

Kakashi was still there. Laughing with Sakura and making her smile. Gaara felt his heart race at the sight. How he envied her at that moment, and wondered silently; should he get hurt would Kakashi come for him? Would he come to check up on him?

His throat had tightened considerably at that thought, and his heart warmed. A combination that had him more confused than he would like to admit.

Naruto bounded up to Sakura, telling her everything he thought worth telling. Sakura was holding her patience well. But he had a suspicion she was enjoying the attention a lot more than she was letting on.

He was uncertain what to say to her. The two looked so happy together that part of him felt like he was intruding. So without a word Gaara silently retreated from the room. Giving the space they obviously needed.

"Gaara,"

He almost jumped. But regained cool control as he turned to look at his long time crush. Kakashi was leaning against the wall, watching him with his aloof stare.

"Kakashi," he greeted back, feeling elated and terrified at the same time.

"I want to speak to you," he said, nodding to one of the empty rooms, "You have a minute?"

Gaara nodded silently. His heart was pounding now, blood rushing through his ears as he walked in after the Jounin. Shukaku was saying leering and sexual things in his head. But he barely noticed this, all he could think was that Kakashi had asked him into a room. Only him, alone.

He briefly wondered if people really did die from happiness.

Once they were both inside Kakashi closed the door and walked over to the window at the other end of the room, leaning against it and watching the sunset outside. There was a long silence. He swallowed stiffly, wondering if Kakashi would ever say something. And realizing that even if he didn't he would happily stand here for eternity.

"We haven't really had a chance to talk," he said, drawing him out of his thoughts, "And I wanted to speak to you,"

Gaara swallowed again, hoping Kakashi hadn't noticed his nervousness. Shukaku was laughing his damned ass off.

"I understand you have a demon inside of you," he said, making Gaara freeze for a moment, "So I want to make something clear,"

Now he turned to him. His eye relaxed yet burning with something violent, "If you ever harm my students again," his voice was deep, dark and ominous, "I will personally put you through a hell no demon would ever be able to replicate,"

Gaara blinked.

Kakashi pushed away from the window. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, a quirk Gaara had always adored, and stalked closer to him. He stopped just as he passed him, "Take it as a friendly warning Gaara," and then walked on, "Have a nice day,"

He heard the door open and Kakashi was gone.

Time ticked away, each second slamming down another minute. For how long he stood there watching the windows he had no idea. The silence was deafening. His ears were ringing. His eyes were blurring and when he reached up to clear them tears fell.

He tried to stop it. The chokes and and hiccups only making it worse. Still he tried, wiping furiously and desperately wishing he could be stronger than this. The hurt was surprising. The same stinging he had felt as a boy now twisted in his heart and this only made him cry more. Jumbled thoughts and ideas filtered into his head.

_He really was a monster._

_No one would ever see him as anything else, even if he tried his best_.

_Kankuro, Tamari and Naruto were all wrong. There wasn't anything in him left to save. _

Pressing his eyes into the crook of his arm he forced himself to calm down, taking deep shuddering breaths.

_"I will personally put you through a hell no demon would ever be able to replicate,"_

He gnashed his teeth and forced down another sob, his throat contracting painfully from the effort. Wiping away more tears he made his way to the window. The need to escape this place so intense he could barely stand it. He opened the window and perched on the sill, the sun had set, only a sliver of light still hung on the horizon.

He wiped his eyes furiously, turning his head from the effort and his blurred eyes caught sight of the doorway. He froze.

Kakashi was standing there. His eyes wide with worry or fear or something else he could not decipher. He looked a little shocked but Gaara really couldn't tell from this distance. Suddenly he felt small, uncomfortable in his presence, almost scared. And without another glance he closed his eyes and let the wind take him away in a rush of sand.

* * *

Day, weeks, months all slid by turning into years, and Gaara found the wound would eventually stop bleeding. But the hole was bigger than ever. When he'd returned home that evening Kankuro and Temari had been worried, especially when he started crying at dinner. They'd asked him what was wrong, Temari holding him and Kankuro rubbing his back gently but he never voiced his problems. He felt he didn't have the right to.

But slowly the pain faded and the less he saw of him the easier it became to simply forget what he'd felt. Or rather bury it as deep as he could, yet the gaping hole remained. When he became Kazekage the Hokage came to congratulate him. That look of motherly worry and affection she pinned him with had been strange. His sister assured him that Tsunade liked him very much. And Gaara hid his disappointment at the lack of a white haired Jounin.

The first time he would see him again would be the day Shukaku was torn from his body and he was given a second chance at life. He'd been so shocked by the people around him that it had taken him a full ten minutes to realize Kakashi was there as well. Watching from the sidelines.

Two years had passed and the moment when he laid eyes on him his heart fluttered and his eyes softened. Quickly though the feelings were squashed by doubts and acceptance. Kakashi hated him, he'd decided this long ago, and nothing he did would ever change that. And now he had put Naruto and Sakura in danger yet again.

All he wanted to do at that moment was pull himself into a tiny ball and wish the world away. But he was Kazekage, he needed to be strong for his people. So he rose with help from Naruto and mourned the loss of yet another life at his expense before finally heading back home. Free from the murmurings of a demon for the first time in his life.

* * *

The city was dark. It's occupants had long since retired for the night, A few straggles, drinkers and vermin still stalked the streets.

He was sitting in his office, tired and sore. His body still catching up with being alive. Exhaustion clouded his eyes but he didn't want to sleep. He didn't know if he could. So long he's fought the battle to stay awake that just the thought of sleep utterly terrified him. He wondered if Kakashi slept soundly at night.

And just like that his thoughts went to him. Standing still on the sidelines, watching him with a peculiar gaze. Gaara felt his throat tighten. He still wanted him. He was still in love with him.

Feeling more tired than ever he lowered his head into his hands and closed his eyes. How was this fair? How was it fair that one man could hold such power over him and not even give a damn.

He so badly wanted Kakashi to care for him. To see him as more than just a former demon holder.

_"Take it as a friendly warning,"_

His shoulder sagged. There was no way he would ever see him as anything else other than the monster who had almost killed his students. Two years. Two whole years had sped by and he still felt the same. He still wanted Kakashi in a way he knew would never be taken well.

Taking a deep breath he leaned back in his chair. He might as well try and get some sleep-

"Kazekage,"

He nearly jumped out of his skin. This time jolting and wincing when pain shot up through his body. But he quickly recovered. Kakashi was in his office, standing four feet away from his desk.

"Kakashi," he greeted, feeling a sense of terrible de ja vu.

"It's been a while," he said, "You got a minute?"

It was surprising how so little fear entered his heart at those words. Only pure joy that Kakashi once again sought him out. He felt sick for thinking it, and then he felt like crying again. How could one man undo him so easily? It really wasn't fair. Yet despite his emotions he nodded lightly. Threaten me, beat me, destroy me, he thought. I will take anything you can give. It's all I will ever get, and I will forgive everything if only to be with you another moment.

And he had forgiven him. Not on that same day, maybe not a weerk later, but he had in time.

"Is there a problem?" Gaara asked softly, grateful to finally find his voice.

"Yes and no," Kakashi said, clearing his throat. He shifted on his feet before sticking his hands in pockets. Gaara's eyes softened. Still an adorable trait.

"I've been meaning to speak to you for a while now," he cleared his throat again, "What I said last time we spoke..." Gaara felt his heart quicken again, "I was out of line. I shouldn't have said that,"

And then stopped.

"You were trying to make amends, and... well..." he gestured with one hand, "I was reacting on my emotions, and... I said things I shouldn't have,"

Gaara listened, dead panned, while his blood rushed to his ears and a relief settle in his stomach.

"So I'm sorry, if I... upset you,"

Then then blood dulled, his heart slowed and he felt like a cotton blanket had been stuffed into his head. No matter how many times it happened, when someone apologized to him so openly he felt like he was betraying them in some way. An echo left over from his past. He could never accept apologies, not when he had destroyed so much. Slowly he sighed.

"Thank you," he said softly, "But I should be the one apologizing to you,"

He didn't have to look up to know he was frowning.

"For what?"

Now Gaara took a deep breath. "For harming your students," he closed his eyes and willed himself to continue, "For betraying your village, for being part of the reason your Hokage died and for putting everyone in danger. Again,"

And for lusting after you.

He felt fresh tears prick his eyes. He sat back and rubbed at them, trying to stop them from falling. "So know you're appology is accepted and I m grateful for it. But also know that I have not forgotten my own transgressions," And I never will. Not when I know you still despise me because of them.

There was a long pause. Gaara made to dismiss Kakashi but the Jounin beat him.

"None of that was your fault," he said.

And just like that the flash of anger bubbled up, along with two years of suppressed frustration and depression and hurt. Another corpse lay at his feet. Another life on his shoulders. He was tired of trying to keep a cool facade when he could hear the whispers. But worst of it all, he was tired of the falseness of his people. The distrust and skepticism that laced their words even when he was willing to die for them.

"Really?" he asked sarcastically, "The last time we spoke you didn't seem to have a problem blaming me for it,"

Kakashi looked taken aback, "I just apologized for that-"

"But that's the way everyone thinks, isn't it?" he said, ignoring him. Gods he was tired, he was never this emotional. He was never this unstable. "All they see when they look is a monster. With or without Shukaku that's the way I will always be branded,"

He shook his head, feeling the tears finally blur his vision, "And it's so _easy _to see me like that," he swallowed stiffly, "I was born a monster. Since my birth I've killed, and each corpse just piled on top of that," he glared at Kakashi indifferent to the strange look he was giving him,"And now I have to live with the death of lady Chiyo on my conscious as well!"

His hands were shaking now, trembling as he gestured to emphasize his point, "Everywhere I go, whatever I do, death follows me like a possessed wolf. I can't do anything to stop it. Many despise me, see me as a monster, despite my position, and you know what? I never cared about that!" he closed his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling, "But when _you_ saw me like that it felt like I was six all over again!" His trembling hand grabbed at his heart, "It hurt here, so much... and I couldn't stand it!" his voice was raw, almost screaming now, "I wanted to _die_!" hot tears slid down his cheeks, and he wiped them away with a hard hand, "But oddly I didn't want to kill," he huffed a broken laugh, "Because as hurt as I was that you saw me as a monster, the very idea of betraying you and turning back into a real one was even worse. I couldn't do that to you..."

A warm hand settled on his forearm and Gaara started. Kakashi was next to him on his haunches, staring at him with a calculating gaze, and in that moment Gaara realized exactly what he had done. A wave of sickness washed over him.

"I'm sorry," he blurted feeling fear coiling through him. He'd threatened him once, he didn't think he could survive a rejection as well.

Kakashi frowned and shook his head. A calloused hand touched Gaara's face with surprising gentleness, caressing the smooth skin. He was too tired and depleted to keep up his armour. His face tingled softly where the hand touched. Closing his eyes he allowed himself to lean into it minutely. He would take whatever Kakashi gave him.

"I never knew..." he heard him whisper, but he didn't dare open his eyes.

"Gaara look at me,"

He breathed deeply before looking up, he could never deny that voice anything.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

He choked a bitter laugh, "Wanted to, many times," he swallowed, "But didn't know how,"

A second hand cupped the other side of his face, and he felt his heart nearly stop in his chest. "Oh Gaara..." twin thumbs brushed away the tears, "I am so sorry,"

Immediately his eyes closed and head lowered. He knew what was coming. The rejection. He couldn't look him in the eyes for this. It was better when he could imagine, it was better when he always believed he'd have a chance. This was obsolete and the hurt and pain that would follow would certainly-

"Gaara," Kakashi said again, "Look. At. Me,"

"If you don't want me, just say so and leave," He grabbed a hold of Kakashi forearms, partly holding him there and partly wanting to shove him off. Kakashi shifted gently removing his arm from the grip for a brief moment before a soft kiss was placed on his forehead. Every muscle in his body seized up.

"Gaara," he said softly, "I do want you. Now open your eyes,"

He hesitated slightly and finally looked at him through blurred vision. Kakashi's mask was off, he blinked quickly allowing the tears to spill and soon he could see him clearly. He was beautiful and he was smiling.

"That's better," he said and leaned closer. Gaara's breath was stolen away by the light pressure on his lips. His body tightened and writhed beneath the soft ministrations as his head started to spin. Kakashi pulled away after a moment, leaving Gaara breathless and panting. For a moment they just stared at each other. His eyes wide and Kakashi's leering.

He leaned back in and Gaara couldn't stop the small whimper when he felt a tongue touch his lips. He parted his mouth and it slipped in, teasing his own. His body tightened, and slowly his arms slid down. He wanted to touch something before the spell broke. Gently they slid into silver hair, ghosted over a soft face and touched calloused hands. Every touch and breath drove him wild and soon the soft kiss became heated. He felt ecstatic when he heard Kakashi moan softly, his hear thundered in his chest, all pain, fear and hurt forgotten. Both parties enjoying and feeding the passion as they grabbed and groped at each other, pressing closer and closer-

Kakashi pulled away panting, "Easy," he said softly.

Gaara winced and tried to break free, "I'm sorry. I won't-"

"Gaara," Kakashi said patiently, but a hint of exasperation was etched into the words, "It's fine," a hand trailed down his cheek, "I just want to take this slow, okay?"

He frowned lightly.

Kakashi smiled, "Meaning, I don't want this to be a one time thing," he ran his hand down to Gaara's neck and pulled him closer, pressing their foreheads together, "I want to see how far this can go,"

Fear, happiness, trepidation, warmth all mixed and bubbled inside of him, filling him completely until all he could do was breathe. Slowly he leaned forwards, pressing his head into the crook of Kakashi's neck. Warm arms wrapped around him and he felt his control finally gripped firmly in his soul. He head learned what it was like to live with a hole in his chest for a long time. The hurt and uncertainty had been maddening, and now finally it had been filled completely.

And he had to admit as he snuggled closer to his new lover.

It had certainly been worth the wait.

* * *

There we go. A finely thought out cheesy ending that I thoroughly enjoyed writing XD Thanks for reading!


	2. Long Distance

_Right, I enjoyed writing the first one so much I decided to write up a sequel. Just some family bonding time. I don't know if I'll write more, so I'll leave it on complete for now. And for each chapter I'll just put in warnings (if needed) and a short summary. Seeing as they'll be mostly stand alones. _

Warnings: None

Summary: One week in and Gaara is feeling a little uncertain, but siblings can be a godsend sometimes.

* * *

_ Long Distance_

Dating.

It had never been a word he'd given much thought truth be told. His life had always been consumed by either hate, loneliness or (today) duty to his village. There wasn't exactly space for frivolous thoughts about relationships. Yet here he was in one. And of both parties own free will. This fact baffled him more than the actual situation, he'd always thought he'd need to threaten or beg someone to actually have him. Granted it had only started a week ago. Short enough for the joy and happiness to overwhelm him, but long enough for doubts and uncertainties to begin to settle.

And his... boyfriend. He still had trouble coining that term, was miles away in another village. Probably doing dangerous missions. Gaara knew he should be feeling doubt about the weight of Kakashi's statement. That he _wanted_ to take it further than a one-night stand. He knew he should be wary that it was an act of pity or twisted sense of guilt on the other man's part. But he couldn't bring himself to believe it.

Kakashi was too... laid back to hold guilt over something so trivial. Albiet to Gaara it certainly wasn't trivial. And he didn't seem the type to lie to someone just to make them feel better. At least that was what he thought he knew. Honestly he hadn't known the man that long. How could he possibly know what was going through his head? And for that matter why would Kakashi even want to be with him? When he really thought about it it didn't make any sense.

They were complete opposites. And not in a good way. Kakashi was cool, Gaara cold. He was a pervert, Gaara had never been in a relationship. Kakashi was laid back almost lazy, he in turn was intense and a workaholic.

Gaara resisted the urge to sigh dramatically, and instead glared at his breakfast. Now the doubts were setting in.

And were there ever many of them. It was like a flood of negative thoughts that was steadily rising in his soul. Each one building on the first. And he offered no resistance to the sudden onslaught of fear and uncertainty. Honestly he had no defense to offer.

Now he sighed softly, drawing the attention of his siblings who were sitting with him by the family kitchen table.

"You alright Gaara?" Kankuro asked nonchalantly stuffing a large spoon full off porridge into his mouth. Milk dribbled down his chin.

"It's nothing," he said softly, playing with his food. Kankuro wiped his chin with the back of his hand.

"You look a little... down,"

"I'm fine,"

"Come on," a warm hand touched his own and he looked up to see Temari smiling softly at him, "You can tell us anything, Gaara. It's what siblings are for,"

They had truly come a very long way in building trust with each other. A mere three years ago he would have torn her arm off. He didn't shy away at the thought. The past made him bitter but running away didn't solve anything. It happened but he was willing to try and do better, and that meant something. According to his siblings at least.

And here they were now. Openly offering him an ear to listen with. There were times when he wondered when his good fortune would be taken away from him. One day when he woke up and he found that life was standing in the doorway with the bill, and it demanded he hand over all his happiness. Sometimes, late at night he could already hear the earth-shaking knocks on door, sucking away all his good fortune.

But right now they were still here, and he should enjoy them while he still had the chance. Besides he'd never really opened up to them. It was hard for him on so many levels. Kankuro had seen a side of him he'd never thought to show, and maybe just maybe it would be even easier this time around.

He took a deep breath, mentally steeling himself and said, "I'm dating,"

The air froze. Temari and Kankuro both stared at him as if he'd just pulled on green spandex and started sprouting nonsense about youth and vigor. Kankuro's mouth had dropped open, white porridge slid gently from the gaping maw and landed with a 'splat' on the kitchen floor.

That seemed to pull Temari from her stupor, "Come again?"

Gaara frowned, "I hadn't thought the news would be so distressing to you,"

She blinked and that statement yanked Kankruo from his own catatonic state. His mouth closed with a soft 'plop'. "It's a little weird"

Temari shifted jerkily and Kankruo cried out in pain. Muttering something about 'sisters' and 'worst than demons'

"No," she said ignoring Kankuro, "That's not it," she licked her lips. She always did this when she was preparing to say something difficult to someone she cared about. When she was fearful that it might come out wrong. "You've never shown any interest in... romance," she cleared her throat, "So we're a little confused in how you went from no interest to suddenly experimenting,"

It was then he realized something; they were worried. They weren't disgusted or angry. They were worried that he had gotten himself into something he couldn't handle. That warmed him. But they were right to some extent.

He _was_ worried, uncertain and very frightened of messing everything up. He'd had his first kiss, and it had been extraordinary. But now his... boyfriend... was away, and he felt like the small connection they had made was slipping away with every hour.

What if Kakashi had second thoughts? He could just stay away from the Sand village and ignore Gaara for a while until he gave up. The thought alone made his stomach feel empty and black. Gaara was afraid that after finding someone he would lose them just as quickly. And easy cash-in for life, and a sure way to take away much of his happiness.

He sighed. Life really wasn't simple.

"I met the right person," he said softly, "Someone I..." he paused but pressed on, "Someone I've liked for a very long time,"

"Long harbored crush, hunh?" Kankuro said, leaning back in his chair. He still looked a little spooked but his body posture had relaxed completely. Gaara nodded his head once, "Lucky," he said smiling sadly, "Not everyone gets a chance to be with someone they've cared about for a long time,"

It sounded like there was more to that statement than his brother was letting on. But he didn't press it.

"That doesn't explain why you look so down," Temari piped.

Gaars sighed again. He felt like he was being put on the spot. Like they were interrogating him. But that was simply foolish. He could hear the worry and care in their voices. This wasn't a means to weasel things out of him. They were simply curious and worried. But how to explain all his fears? How to tell them that he was scared Kakashi wasn't coming back? Well his father had been useless as a parent, but he did give solid advice.

_'Start with the problem first in line, that way it doesn't bite you in the ass when you're busy with one further up'_

"It's long distance,"

Temari smiled. Looking relieved, "Is that all?"

He frowned.

"Long distance is no biggie," she said, "Myself and Shikamaru have been doing it for over a year. It can be taxing, especially in the beginning. But don't let the distance worry you. If you care about each other then you'll simply make it work,"

"How do you keep the worries away?" he blurted before he could stop himself.

It was her turn to frown.

"Insecurities, fears that he's cheating," he rambled as a quick explanation.

"You either trust them or you don't" Kankuro said rocking back in his chair, "Simple as that. No two ways about it. And don't let insecurities cloud your judgment either," he smiled softly, "They chose you because some part of them must care enough to give it a shot. Chances that they didn't mean it are slim to none,"

"And if they did it just to mess with you..." he turned to look at Temari who's eyes were burning, an evil smirk on her face, "They'll wish they'd never been born,"

"Count on that,"

Gaara looked from one to the other. Disbelieving how protective they were over him. Whne he'd heard the story about how Konkuro nearly got himself killed just for him he'd felt strangely guilty. But to see them now, so protective and tense. He understood it better now, and it was far better to witness it than just to hear about it.

He closed his eyes, feeling warm and content, "Thank you,"

"Just don't worry too much about it," Kankuro said, "This is your first time, so take it as it comes," he gestured vaguely, "You can try to be as perfect as you want, but you're going to make mistakes,"

"But don't freak out when you do," said Temari, taking a sip from luke warm coffee. "If she loves you the little things won't bother her,"

"Just try not to make the same mistake twice," Kankuro said, chuckling softly, "That won't score you any points,"

Gaara had wanted to correct Temari but he was too wrapped up in relief to even care. Just take it as it comes. Truthfully that wasn't his style. He liked to be prepared, he liked to take matters into his own hands, prevent problems before they have a chance to even be a thought. But right now he felt better. For thinking that just this time he'll 'take it as it comes' and it certainly lifted a burden from his shoulders.

"So,"

He looked up. Temari was leaning closer, a small impish smile on her face.

Gaara frowned.

She huffed, "So?" her eyes were sparkling, "Who is it?"

"Yeah," Kankuro chirped giving him a leering grin, "After all the help we just gave you, you gotta tell us who it is,"

Gaara hesitated. The sudden memory of a glaring Temari skittered through his mind in bright neon colours. When they were standing on a cliff, with the winds so perilous and she had glared over his shoulder right at Kakashi. So many years ago but suddenly it felt so fresh and real. Perhaps telling them right now wasn't such a good idea.

He didn't want them to kill him before he'd even had a chance to kiss him again.

"Let me see how far this goes," he said, "I'll tell you when I'm certain we are..."

"A couple?" she said with such happiness he felt a smile tug at his lips.

"Yes,"

Kankuro laughed, "Fine be illusive, but don't leave us hanging too long," he gave him a one eyed stare, "We're shinobi and we _can_ find out who it is, you know"

He gave a small smile at Kankuro as well. He didn't know if this relationship would go anywhere. Part of him wasn't even sure if they were still in one. But he was happy and content to know that should everything fall apart his siblings would be there for him. They were curious enough to ask and worried enough to make sure he was happy.

And in light of everything, that certainly made it all worth it.

* * *

Gods but I love the Sand-sibs! :3


	3. A Mistake

_Phew another one! This was is an idea for what was going through Kakashi's head after he'd threatened Gaara and found him crying. As perfect as Kakashi is he does make mistakes. But we still love him XD_

Warnings: None

Summary: Kakashi had threatened Gaara and it had felt _good_. But what does he do when he finds the boy crying afterwards? Takes place during the first chapter of this story.

Characters: Kakashi, Gaara

* * *

A Mistake

Kakashi left the room with a sense of great satisfaction.

For a long time now he'd been meaning to say something to Gaara, ever since he'd hurt Lee. Ever since Kakashi'd had to endure the guilt and wretched selfless blame from his long time friend and rival Gai. The weeks and months of painful recovery, the many times he would find Gai beating away at a tree, running hundreds of miles with insane time-limits, desperately trying to punish himself for pushing his student too far.

It had made him sick with worry, not that he'd ever show it openly. But Gai had known, and that's all that mattered. He would never acknowledge it but he knew Kakashi cared enough to look out over him, just to make sure he didn't seriously injure himself. He never wanted to endure that again. He didn't think he could. And Gaara had been the cause. He was the reason for not only his best friend's guilt but also Lee's agony. He'd nearly destroyed them on so many levels.

And Gaara had hurt his students. Almost killed them. He had tortured and maimed them, beating them when they were down, with no remorse or feeling. He had wanted to kill them, had called for their blood. If Kakashi had been there., if he'd have seen it, Demon Holder or no he would have destroyed Gaara with his bare hands.

Said hands were slid into his pockets and he stalked down the quiet hallways, thinking to himself.

The sad thing was that Gaara didn't even care. He was probably already shoving down the emotion and not even bothering to feel any guilt over what he'd done. What could he expect from a demon holder?

He slowed and came to a stop.

That wasn't fair.

Naruto was one and he was probably the most sincere and affectionate soul he'd ever met. He gave and gave until he had nothing more to give. Simply his way. It was... odd that Gaara was so different. That he only hated, that he was willing to destroy everyone only for the sake of feeling alive. But it didn't change things.

Kakashi was still furious at the boy.

That coldhearted little...

"Ugh..." he sighed and rubbed his eye furiously. Watching his students fall today had rattled him more than he wanted to admit. And seeing that... Gaara shift his sand so suddenly, his eyes flickering between madness and sanity. He'd almost...

His hand tightened, feeling the ghost of a kunai still lingering in his palm. Ultimate defense or no, he'd almost killed him.

Giving a heavy sigh he reached up into his pocket to retrieve his precious book. But stopped. His pocket was empty. Recollection quickly came and he turned around to head back. He'd left it in Sakura's room, he could only hope the girl hadn't read it. He didn't want to risk a back lashing from her parents for letting her read... unsavory material at her age.

It was as he passed a room that he slowed. The sound of crying rang softly through the open door and he turned slowly. It was the same room he'd used to speak with Gaara. He could feel the tendrils of shock and uncertainty wrap around his soul.

Could it be?

Slowly, as if pulled by a weak magnet he walked closer to the room. The sun was almost set so it was dark but there was still just enough light by the moon to give a faint glow. He stared a moment before he could make out a figure by the window.

With a heavy gourd on his back.

Who was sobbing.

It couldn't be...

Gaara, desert dweller, monster, demon holder was crying like the twelve year old he was. And never before had he looked more like a child. And these weren't small tears, they were big and bawling like he couldn't get them out quick enough. The whole situation felt so surreal. Gaara was emotionless, he was angry and vengeful.

He wasn't supposed to cry. He wasn't suppose to be so vulnerable.

Kakashi felt the need to say something. Anything to make this situation disappear. But what could he say? If he was the reason for the boy's distress, which he had a suspicion he was, then he probably wouldn't want to talk to him.

Gaara wiped at his face, and turned his head. His eyes locked with Kakashi's.

And in a moment the weight of what he'd done finally hit him. He had blamed Gaara not only for something he had no control over but something that had been thrust upon the boy by a village that hated him. He had threatened him, even though a blind man could see he was trying to change. The image of Naruto replaced the figure of Gaara, and the colour drained from his face. He would never in a million years have said anything like this to Naruto. It would break him. Yet he'd done so to Gaara.

Never let your emotions cloud your judgment. That was the ninja way. And here he had done just that.

Gaara seemed to pull in on himself, he turned away from him and this pulled Kakashi from his shock.

"Gaara-"

But it was too late. In a whirlwind of sand and wind the Genin disappeared leaving Kakashi alone in the dark room. A small echo still clapping softly. In the emptiness he felt a thick ooze of guilt stick to his insides. He leaned back and slid down the door jam and lowered his head into his hands. All energy drained from his body by sickness and guilt.

_Kakashi, you fool,_ he thought bitterly, _what have you done_?

* * *

Just an idea I had for that particular scene. I don't know if the ending works well. But hopefully it conveyed the feeling.


	4. Crushes and First Times

_Um, yeah this one came out A LOT differently than I initially planed. It's more family bonding, which kinda irked me cause I really wanted to have some action between Gaara and Kakashi. But the story is starting to develop into, well... a story. So I hope it doesn't ruin it for you guys. *sigh* _

_The next one will have some Kakashi, and the one AFTER that will finally have some action. *shakes head* I can never win. Damned plot bunnies. Still I am trying to develop the relationship and not just have a whole fic filled with smut. As much as I enjoy reading it (and writing it from time to time XD) I do want to have a chance to explore the characters more and give it a chance to actually build into something, and not just drop on their heads._

_Or I'm just being an idiot, as always XD_

Warnings: None (unless you count more family bonding)

Summary: Ten days in and not a word from Kakashi. Perhaps the Garden will calm the Kazekage?

Characters: Gaara and Kankuro

* * *

Crushes and First Times 

Gaara slumped back in his chair.

What a trying, tiring and otherwise exhausting day. Trying to build new contracts and alliances with the older clans was no mean feet. Their relations had faded and eroded years ago, leaving only faint tendrils of long forgotten pacts. He was sure he could bring the clans back to Suna. But the road would not be easy, especially when their leaders were so pig-headed they didn't even want an audience.

Heaving a hefty sigh, he pushed his chair and back and gazed through the small window. The sun would set soon. The winds usually died down around this time of day, giving a breath of clean calm air before the night winds might start up again. Three days had passed since his chat with his siblings, and ten since he had last seen Kakashi. He was taking their advice. He wasn't worrying about it, and he was trying to stay calm.

But the doubts would not disperse entirely.

He looked out the window, wondering what Kakashi was doing right now. When he had left Suna he had been wounded. Or rather, exhausted. Perhaps, perhaps he was still recovering. A sudden need burned inside of him, a need to be next to Kakashi as he overcame his sickness but he scoffed at the notion. Maybe he was better already and he was training hard for his next mission? That certainly was a possibility.

_And maybe he's already forgotten about me_.

Gaara covered his eyes with a weary hand. He obviously didn't need Shukaku to break down his self-esteem. He was doing a fine job of it himself.

Tired of the office he headed out and told the guard he would be in the Kazekage's Gardens should he be needed. A textbook salute and tight "Yessir" and he was on his way out of the building.

The gardens were located at the back, and was a haven and pride of the Kazekage's tower. So many outsiders were surprised by its beauty, range of flora and sheer size. He always found this slightly amusing. The outside world often forgot that they'd been living in the desert for thousands of years, and despite the harshness of the soil they knew how to turn it, grow it and bring it to life.

It wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible. And the gardeners of Suna were not only legendary but sought after by many other villagers. Much to Suna's own dismay.

When he walked underneath the archway he felt a sense of relief wash over him. The scenic little patch of life always managed to bring serenity to his soul. The gardens were large, filled with a wide range of apple, cherry, pear and blossoms trees. Shrubbery of black berries, blue berries and floral could also be found with flowers from every corner of the lands. A small garden path made from a light brown stone curved through this, leading past fountains, small benches and even went underground at one point to admire the cave blossoms from the Land of Lightning. Parts of the garden had been stationed underneath glass domes, tinted to prevent too much exposure to the hot sun, but easy to open if the plants should need the sunlight.

It was a small paradise, and one that ran smoothly with mechanism hidden beneath the earth that constantly kept the roots wet.

He took a deep breath and headed in, listening to the soft hum of the beehives under the tinted glass. The hives had been there for many years, and they helped kept the small Eco-system alive. And of course offered a private stock of honey to the Kazekage and his family. Temari in particular loved that part.

Reaching a small bench under an apple-tree Gaara sat down and turned to face a small brook that bubbled by. He leaned back against the tree and looked out through a small open window. The city lay stretched beyond, the people coming out for the Night Market. The second phase, since the middle of the day was too hot to do any shopping. He could hear the faint calls from the people. It was comforting.

But here in this silence he could feel the doubts slither up once more. He missed Kakashi. The kiss had been brief, and not nearly enough. He could still remember it clearly, the taste, the feel, the emotions, the need. But memories would only keep him so long. The need to hold Kakashi again was almost painful.

Kankuro said he either trusted Kakashi or he didn't. Thing is he _did_ trust him, with his life and he trusted him enough to believe with certainty he wouldn't cheat on him. He was pretty certain. Relatively certain. Gaara huffed. What he _wasn't_ so certain about was Kakashi having second thoughts.

His arms wrapped around his mid section and he looked down to watch the stream.

What if he never came back?

Gaara closed his eyes.

It wouldn't be the first time someone had lied to him. He just couldn't understand how Kakashi, who'd never shown any interest was now in a relationship with him. With someone who had threatened to hurt him should he harm his students, no less.

He opened his eyes. There had to be proof. Some sort of tangible evidence that Kakashi cared about him... that he hadn't lied that this wasn't going to be some perverted joke. He had to ask him _why_.

His hand tightened into a fist, nails digging into his arm.

That was a question he honestly didn't want to ask. The idea of an answer terrified him. But he knew, eventually he would have to do ask, he would have to build up the courage and ask Kakashi why he... if... why..._dammit_... he liked him. Not something he was looking forward to.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard someone approach. The intruder had excellent chakra control and Gaara wasn't in the mood reach out with his own to figure out who it was.

So he waited for the person to announce their presence.

"Gaara,"

He turned to see his brother standing a few feet away, hands in his pockets, and smiling softly. The face paint was ever present but his kitty-hat was missing. Kankuro hated when his siblings refereed to the hat in such a way. But honestly, what else could you call it?

"People are makin' ready for the festival," he gestured to the village below. Gaara blinked and turned to look through the window again. Sure enough banners were raised, decorations had started its slow progression through the town and he could hear the start of music already. Yes, of course it was the Spirit Festival tonight. It came around once every five years and was celebrated for three days.

How could he have forgotten?

"We should be getting' ready as well,"

Gaara nodded faintly, watching as the multicolored lights decorated the usual dull streets of Suna. It would be a feast of lights soon. That was the core of the Spirit Festival after all.

"You okay?"

Second time in three days that they asked him this. He was slipping. Steeling himself he nodded a bit more firmly and stood up, but a hand stopped him and pushed him back to the bench. Kankuro sat down next to him and smiled faintly.

"You're still worried about your new conquest?" he said staring at him with one eye, "Am I right?"

Despite his iron control Gaara felt a flush rush up to his cheeks. Never before had he been more grateful for his armour. But Kankuro, it seemed wasn't fooled.

"No need to be embarrassed, lil bro," he closed both eyes bowed his head and smiled fondly. "Bein' with someone can be really great. And you never forget your first time. I remember mine like it was yesterday,"

Gaara frowned and turned to look at his brother who was staring at him with half-lidded eyes. "We were like ten, and I'd asked her out, cuz I'd felt like it," he laughed softly and turned his head up to look at the night sky as the stars started to plop into existence, "I tried to kiss her a coupla times, got three kisses and two slaps,"

He held up three fingers, "Three outta five aint too bad,"

Gaara watched him intently.

Kankuro lowered his hand to his lap and his smile softened, "I wanna tell you to calm down, to not worry so much, and enjoy yourself," he gestured to the village below, "I know it's the right thing to do because you've only just started,"

The air was becoming thick with something but Gaara wasn't exactly sure what it was.

"But I also know what it feels like," now his smile saddened, "To like someone for a very long time, pining after em and wishing they'd just see you," he turned a much brighter smile back to Gaara, "To actually snag em for yourself, that's something, lil bro" he reached out and ruffled the red hair, Gaara halfheartedly dodged but didn't complain, "All I can really say is, hope for them and care about em but don't let them rule over your life, cuz that..." he cleared his throat, "That will destroy you, and I never want you to go through that,"

The air was thick with tension, that's what it was. But Gaara wasn't really paying attention to it. Kankuro's words were worming their way through his soul, and they were making him feel lighter. As if... as if the burden had been shared. He looked to his brother who was giving him a soft smile and realized that perhaps they had shared it.

He stood and turned to Kankuro. His brother quickly took the hint and stood as well. He smiled gently at him, "You feelin' better, Gaara?"

Gaara nodded softly, "And you?"

Two words should not shock his brother so easily, yet there it was. His expression went from shocked to uncertain, then worried and slowly slid into sheepish. Gaara waited patiently for all these emotions to flicker over his face, granted it only took a scant few seconds.

Kankuro sighed and smiled softly, "Yeah, I do," He cleared his throat and chuckled trying to break the tension.

Gaara nodded, reached out and took his hand. He ignored Kankuro's shocked gaze and gently led him out of the Gardens. His brother following with a faint smile.

They were brothers, and they'd see each other through a lot more than first times and unrequited crushes.

* * *

_Blame Kankuro for your smutless chapter. He always manages to worm his way into my stories. Damn you you kitty-hatted freak!_


	5. By the Fates

_*Tilts head left. Tilts head right* Gods I'm not sure about this one. Kakashi is a pain in the ass to write. Right so, as I said this is the next chapter and after this we'll finally have some Gaara/Kakashi romance... date... thing. Kinda. Well they'll be in in the same room together. Sort of. _

_Oh god just read the fic. XD_

Warnings: None

Summary: A week after Kakashi kissed the Kazekage he finds himself doubtful and having second thoughts.

Characters: Kakashi, Tsunade

* * *

_By the Fates _

The training grounds were deserted. It was well past sunset and a heavy stillness had settled on the area. It was peaceful, serene and Kakashi always felt this was out of place. Like the entirety of the world was simply holding its breath until morning when Gai and his team would start off the day with a racket. But despite this, it was soothing and relaxing to listen to the wind in the trees and hear the occasional cry from a nocturnal bird or mammal.

And right now he needed serenity.

The wind whipped at his hair, rustling the leaves around him. Said serenity was promptly ruined by Kakashi slamming his head against the tree behind him. He grunted. Damn it all. Damn it all to hell. Why had the fates cursed him so? His body was feeling better but his soul was in turmoil.

A week ago to the day he had not only kissed the Kazekage but also started a sort of relationship with the boy. Boy being the bigger issue here, which was one of many.

Kakashi was certainly not a man who jumped in head first, not for a very good reason at least, and even then he was careful. He was also not a man who did anything lightly or made decisions without considering a few factors. He liked to think he was careful, not overly so but enough to make sure he didn't make mistakes easily. Any mistake could be a costly one he had learned as a shinobi.

Yet here he was in this predicament. One that was not only giving him a headache but was decidedly hard to get out of.

Simply put he was having hefty doubts about his decision with starting a relationship with Gaara. With the Kazekage, a boy of fifteen, a known psychopath, a former demon holder with little to no social experience. The issues just kept piling on up.

There were many arguments. So many, and they were _good_ arguments. Logical, but every single one seemed to have a counter debate.

He could say Gaara was emotionless but he had seen first hand that this wasn't true. He could say he was inexperienced but then again when should he start if not now? At least he knew himself well enough to know he would never hurt Gaara intentionally. Perhaps he was too young, that was a good argument but for his age he was very wise and matured. He was the Kazekage which proved a large hurdle but having a relationship with a Kage was not forbidden. Just not very common.

When Gaara had poured out his heart, Kakashi had reacted in impulse. Or so he had believed at the time. Truth is he wasn't entirely sure if he _had_ reacted on careful subconscious calculation or simply instinct.

The sight of Gaara crying had certainly opened up a few wounds.

He sighed and leaned his head back against the rough bark. His gaze drifted up through the leaves to watch the stars glitter in the night sky. So many arguments, so many chances and loopholes that might end up hurting one or both of them. Chances that he didn't rightly feel he was willing to take.

The fates had certainly dealt him a doozy this time. And they were so eager to give him these types of hurdles. Damn them all. Granted he'd been the the one who'd started the relationship. But why did he have to find Gaara so... appealing? Why couldn't he have fallen for someone a little more sane? Like Gai?

But his biggest concern was one that rang a little closer to home:

Simply put; was he taking advantage of Gaara?

The thought had occurred to him, even as he had embraced the young man. Even as he had trailed soft kisses down a pale and surprisingly soft neck, despite living in the desert. Even as he had ran his hands though shaggy red hair and tasted the lingering tea on an inexperienced tongue. Kakashi shook his head when he felt his pulse rise. Now really wasn't the time.

But even during those moment his thoughts had pressed forwards, demanding an answer. Was he taking advantage?

And the honest answer was; he didn't know.

Gaara was, as he understood it, emotionally-inept. For him to have any true emotional connection would be far-fetched. The bond he shared with his siblings was a godsend to the boy, they helped him so much to come out of that thick sand-shell. But despite Gaara's progress, there was still this air of 'untouchable, unreachable' about him. As if no one would ever get close enough to truly know him.

But Kakashi had.

And he hadn't even _tried_.

He had not only broken through the hard shell but had managed to stumble into his heart. Kakashi had managed the impossible, and he hadn't even _meant_ to do it.

His head sagged. Why couldn't life go bother someone else for a change?

But truly, was he taking advantage? Was he really that desperate for company that he would manipulate an a-social boy into a relationship?

The line of questions was starting to unnerve him.

"Okay," he said softly, rubbing his brow, _Let's try a different approach._

_Do I care about him_? Yes. That was simple. He did care for him enough to think about starting a relationship so there had to be at least some attraction.

_Do I find teenage boys usually attractive_? He thought about Sasuke, Naruto, Sai and Neji. After a moment he spluttered a choked laugh. No, definitely not.

_Do I find _him_ attractive_? The mere thought of that soft mouth against his sent shivers down his spine. Kakashi sighed, yes he bloody did.

_Did I start this out of pity_? No. There were no two ways about that. He hadn't even thought about pity when Gaara had poured his heart out. Only brilliant realization and... warmth. Kakashi cleared his throat. Moving on.

_He's a-social, do I want to dig forever to figure him out_? Kakashi was certainly curious enough.

He paused.

Was that it? A simple attraction for the exotic? Just a fascination for the appeal that was Gaara? A pull to the power hidden beneath?

He frowned.

No... it wasn't that either. It felt more than that, not just simple curiosity. Otherwise he would just have had sex with him and left. The mere thought made his stomach clench.

This was more.

But how much more?

The million dollar question. There was something more to it, he could honestly say he liked what Gaara had turned into. A bright, powerful but caring young man who would die for his people. As he'd proven. Kakashi sighed. They could try this, he thought. They could really give it a shot. But was it fair, in all honesty could he do this to Gaara? He was much older than him, Gaara had serious responsibilities. Long distance relationships were murder even under normal circumstances. And these were not normal circumstances.

He was the grown-up in this... err... relationship, so as the grown-up what was the sensible, safe and above all right thing to do?

Break up with him.

Kakashi groaned. Why had the fates _cursed_ him so?

How could he have let this happen? For years he'd kept everyone at bay, everyone at a certain distance. And yet two sea-green eyes lined with black had settled in his heart. _Without him realizing it until it was too late_. And that gaze wasn't going anywhere. The need to scream in frustration had never been so great.

The sun was peaking now. Small glimmers of golden light just barely breaking over the horizon. Soon the serenity would be shattered by Gai's enthusiastic cries about 'youth'. Kakashi really didn't think he could stomach that right now.

Jumping down from the tree he headed out of the training grounds and to the Hokage's tower. She'd requested him this morning, and for once he would be on time. He didn't have the heart to think up an interesting enough excuse anyway.

To say she was surprised when he strolled into her office a full ten minutes early was an understatement but she recovered well, despite the look of suspicion in her eyes.

"You're early,"

"You almost sound disappointed, Lady Hokage," he retorted with a small smile."I can come back in an hour if it suits you better,"

"No," she said curtly, "You have a mission and you can be on your way now, rather than later" she held out a scroll, and as always gave a few details about the mission in a clipped tone. Kakashi was barely listening. He'd get the gist of it when he read the scroll so it shouldn't be a problem. His thoughts were elsewhere in any case.

How to break up with a mentally scarred teenager with the power to tear him apart with sand? He could write a letter. Perhaps explaining how he felt and break up gently? No, that really wasn't his style. Better to do it in person...or run away like a scared girl. Much more appealing, although a little degrading. Still those who kiss and run away, live to date another day. Especially concerning homicidal read heads with the power to control the entirety of the desert.

"You should be done by next week," she said and by the tone in her voice the conversation was coming to a close. He nodded at her, gave a short bow and turned to head out.

"Oh and Kakashi,"

He stopped, hand on the doorknob.

"You'll be just in time for the festival," she said with a smirk, "Do try and have some fun while you're there. I'm giving you a three day leave for an extra rest. Dismissed"

He blinked but nodded quietly before stepping outside. With little ceremony he opened the scroll and quickly scanned the details. It was an escort mission to...

Suna.

Only when his shoulders touched the wall did he realize he'd even taken a step back. He started slightly and looked down again before drawing his gaze to the Hokage's office. She couldn't know. There was no way she could possibly know! She was talking about the festival, that's all. There was no way in hell she knew what he had done...

Or did she?

He looked back at the scroll. He'd wanted to run from this. It was easier when it came to emotional...problems. There would have been a clean cut no strings attached detachment which would have made it easier on Gaara. He would have stayed away for months, hoping that eventually their wounds would heal on their won.

He stared at the scroll. Slowly a smile spread over his face

Perhaps the fates had not damned him after all. Maybe, just maybe this time they were looking out for him instead.

* * *

Like I said, a little unsure. But at least it got the story across... sort of. Maybe more a vague point. Kinda. A sprinkle of thoughts? Argh!


End file.
